October 31, 2015

My Life as a Country Music Song

Well, my dad, he's sick and doing his best
To grab on to his walker without needing rest.
My mama is stuck in an endless refrain
Of asking "when can he go home again?"
I got a daughter who cycles from bad to worse...

And the vet just told me my dawg Billy has a large tumor 
somewhere inside his abdomen with just a few weeks left to live.

And I'm out of red wine.


  1. (((Julie))) it's time to go out and get some more red... make that a barrel!

  2. Billy. why Billy. and why Now.
    it's all very close to too much to bear. i look at your "About Me" just to the right of this comment box and think...there's nothin about her right how....
    but something clicks in and we get internally very uhhh, very well hmmm, what word
    can i use...???? kind of like stoic, but Wendy Golden Levitt talks to me about that, so
    i kind of look at it out of the corner of my eye, but it's something like stoic....because
    really, there is no Choosing involved. Just the just going of it.
    my old dog Chinche has 3 working legs and is literally skin on bones, something white
    drooling out of her twat, deaf, sometimes just falls down for nothing, more and more
    needing to be carried up the stairs. Maybe a tumor in her abdomen some year prior to
    this might have been more merciful. I think of the word
    is that in your texts????
    Which makes me think of Mary Gauthier, Mercy Now Find it on Utube, someone's daughter who spent a lot of time going from bad to worse...she knows of what she sings
    and i have made it a policy to stay one bottle ahead.
    Big love and to Billy, oh, Love to Billy

    1. Not stoic, like an internal Mustering of the Troops or something like that. I am sure there is a lot about mercy in my Jewish texts, I feel like I've internalized enough of my theology to know that what helps is looking for the Divine in each moment...like watching Billy gallop through the field this morning. Maybe that is Mercy...the ability to grope toward gratitude even in the dark. Especially in the dark. I find myself thinking a lot about what it would be like to walk from Syria through Europe carrying a baby or a grandmother in the winter, understanding that what any of us we bear is so very very real and that I am not being asked to bear that.

      I am not sure I am making sense.

      I found Mary's lyrics, bad to worse seems to be what can bond us all. I will go to hear her today.

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  5. Can't seem to quite write tonight but here goes again: Some one told me many years ago, 35 to be exact, as I was caring for my Mother who was near death, about two years after watching my Father die, that God never gives you more than you can handle...I looked at her and said, "Oh really, what if I can't..." She got out her rosary and started to pray...Julie, I won't offer any platitudes and I sure don't have a rosary these days but I do have love for you, your family and Billy.

  6. Aw Julie. Life can always be worse, but that doesn't mean that now isn't bad. Like Mo, Marti and Grace I am thinking of you with love. Let the red wine pour.

  7. I wasn't expecting this when I saw the post 's title. . . . . . . . . It does remind me yet again why I want to come here : your honesty coupled with your sense of humor, your willingness to share these intimate facts of your life. I hope you find solace in your sharing, I certainly do. Much love to you Julie