April 27, 2015

Into One's Own



For months, I've been thinking about Grace's musings about "coming into one's own." One's own what?

Sorry to say that after months of rigorous intellectual questions, the answer looks something like this.

My "own" was a silhouette of me...fully formed but not at all clear to me. And always just out of reach.
 Like Peter Pan and his shadow, I was always out of step with this silhouette. For decades, I shaped my self mostly by the noise I made bumping up against other people or other places, like a hard metal ball sprung loose inside a pinball machine. I sure could make the scoreboard light up but I could never grab hold of the girl in the silhouette.

And then, as I ticked toward 60, the frenzy seemed to die down almost biologically. It settled into a slow, persistent inner rumbling instead of mad chaos directed outward. And the rumbling had a strong magnetic pull. First, it took me into the kindler, gentler stitching world of Spirit Cloth...which lead me to discover all of you.  And that took me back into creating, back into my garden, back into my faith.

Back into deep and trusting relationships with a few trusted friends, one beloved man, and various boxer duos. 
 
All of which lead me in turn to discover, uncover, recover my self.
 
And I was able, at last, not only to grab hold of my silhouette, but to step into her.

Into my Own.





17 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It takes me so long to get it out but I'm happy when I do.

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  2. Julie....this progression of photographs...magnificent imaging of your words...Brilliant
    imaging of your words....
    and the you i see in the last, really, is the only YOU that i know, have known....a
    woman who Loves Things who asks the Best Questions who goes to the Heart of Things...
    Who has always made me feel At Home with her.....All we needed to do is Show Up.....
    I know this must go very Deeply for you and i am so glad to be a small part of the
    pieces that set the scene, that created the space for this....
    I love you

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    Replies
    1. No small part, that's for sure.

      This weekend, we talked for the first time in earnest about moving west, moving to New Mexico when the obligations here are done. And I could really see me walking down that canyon with you and some dogs.

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    2. o woW, reading this i got this intense strange feeling of Deja vu...like
      something never seen but yes, already seen. Wow..... Just so WoW.

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  3. Welcome into your OWN Julie: here you are,walking strong with a smile that lights up the world. This lovely woman (You) facing forward and we walk beside you, not in back, not in front, but alongside because we know this journey, we know that coming into one's own takes time and a lot of work with self. The moment when we move from our shadow/silhouette and step into our fully colored Self is the moment that we step comfortably into our skins, into our time, and it is a joyful, ever-lasting moment because at last, we can say, Here I am...

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    Replies
    1. Its definitely a recipe for the slow cooker, this coming into one's own. I am so grateful that I have lived long enough to see it done. Makes me think that the greatest tragedies are those who are so close but die first.

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  4. I can relate to this post, is it something to do with getting older or do some people have this all their lives, I am still getting there my picture is not quite clear yet.

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    1. For me, it seemed like everyone else EXCEPT me was in their own. But that would be part of the symptomatology. It did feel like it has had a life of its own in these last years of getting older, like the cells said, "enough, we're done with trying to morph. We're going to just be."

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  5. i could hardly wait, scrolling through each progression of "revealing"--i could hardly wait to get to the final YOU. and there you stand in full radiance. and i love that you appear to be just a tad pigeon toed. (i am too!)

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  6. Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Suzanna, its always so great to know the words hit someone else's home.

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  7. who wouldda thought turning 60 would be so much fun!

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  8. You are so funny I can't imagine that you were ever not completely individual, but I know what you mean about the internal process of recognizing yourself. We all have our mysteries, and I think acceptance is the key that allows us to see and own them. Congratulations!

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  9. I have looked at the bottom photo quite a lot since you posted it, on my phone in Greece, where I did not get round to much commenting as that's rather tedious I find on a phone, hurray for larger screens and laptops (accepting one's limitations is also part of coming into one's own I guess) and I have checked in from time to time now I'm back in my studio; I like this woman and I sense she likes herself too, which is an accomplishment, strange as that may be I think this is true for many (wo)men.

    thanks for sharing, you must know by now I love coming here and very much appreciate your honest and humorous posts, see you soon

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  10. a moving description here... nicely told and pictured... I'm right behind you, birthday-wise... and hoping for self-possession, too

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